Like Victoria who just wrote in recently, I also played tennis at the University of Florida and struggled with depression and anxiety. From when I was 15, I had a series of health issues ranging from orthopedic injuries to rare viruses that took multiple surgeries to resolve. Throughout my time at Florida, I struggled to stay afloat with tennis as well as school and found myself at one of the lowest points in my life. I didn’t know what was happening to my body and felt like I could no longer believe in it like I once had. I developed chronic pain in my hip and shoulder and felt like the complete opposite of an elite athlete that had trained all of her life to be strong and powerful. I felt like not one understood the pain I was going through and started to withdraw from the people around me. I remember traveling to another country during that time and feeling how hard it was to put one foot in front of the other. I didn’t want to change clothes, I didn’t want to shower or brush my teeth, and I didn’t want to brush my hair. I just wanted to sit with my head in my hands and try not to think about where I was mentally. It scared me. I had never seen this side of myself before. I was always such a fighter. I never gave up. I gave 110% in everything I did and now, I felt like I had nothing more to give. Thankfully, I never had thoughts of harming myself, however, I remember not seeing a reason to be alive and not seeing meaning and purpose in my existence.
It didn’t make sense. I believed in a higher power/consciousness, I loved my family and my close friends. Even on the worst days, surely I would think of them and how I would never want to part from them? I must’ve been able to see that they gave me purpose and meaning? But even thinking these positive thoughts was not enough to ignore that I was depressed and was unable to see the point of it all. I also had a sense of extreme guilt. I should have been more mindful when I was practicing, stretched more, ate differently… I should have not let a relationship stress me out, and I should have stood up for myself more. Then, I told myself, none of this would have ever happened. It’s all my fault. This is happening for a reason.
My inner critic was as loud as it has ever been- I asked myself: “Imagine if I had been talking to someone else like I was talking to myself? I wouldn’t want to be around them. Those closest to me didn’t understand what was wrong with me. They hadn’t seen this side of me before either. They couldn’t understand why I didn’t want to go socialize or change my attitude. I was told that depression is selfish, I need to be thinking of others, and I need to be thinking how lucky I am for all of the other things in my life. They were preaching to the choir. If I could only tell them how out of control I felt.
Eventually, after what seemed like a lifetime, this darkness lifted, and I was able to get out of this hole that I had somehow lived in. Fortunately, I have not been that low again but the time never ceases to stay fresh in my memory.
Almost ten years later, I am still dealing with chronic pain. There are some days that are worse than others and when those days do come, I have a list of resources and an action plans that I can turn too so I don’t fall back into that hole again. It’s almost like a 12 step program that you have to work again and again no matter how far removed you are from that dark place. Once it happens, it becomes a part of you and no matter how much I try to tell myself I never struggled in that way, I did. That actually happened and I was in a very dark, (what seemed like) hopeless, and lonely place at that point in my life.
I am still searching for solutions in regards to my health, but somewhere along the way, because all of this, I have found meaning and a reason to live that I can hold onto. Over the last ten years, I have acquired deeper knowledge that I might not have gained if I had not gone to that dark place. I have also gathered mental skills and tools that I will carry with me for the rest of my life and through the many phases of life. I now feel that my purpose is to share those skills and tools with others so that they too can overcome their challenges and take positive steps in their opportunities. I hope to share my story and help others see their value and purpose.
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Thank you Claire for sharing! If you’d like to share a story, contact MHF any way you’d like.
