My name is Victoria Emma and I am currently a tennis player at the University of Florida. I know you don’t know me, but I wanted to reach out to you about your sister, Madison. I read the book about her that was written by Kate Fagan. I hope you don’t mind, but I just wanted to share with you a little bit about my story and how Madison’s tragic death has not gone unnoticed. I know nothing I say will ever bring Madison back, but by you and your family sharing her story, you have helped so many other young adults and given them a voice, including myself. I know I don’t know any of you, but I am so thankful for all of you having the courage to share Madison’s story with the rest of the world. I can’t even imagine how difficult that must have been for all of you.
When I was about 15 years old, I was going through something very similar to what your sister went through. I was competing at a very high level athletically, traveling a ton playing international junior events, and being recruited by colleges all over the country. It should’ve been very exciting for me, but it completely overwhelmed me. My love and happiness for the game was starting to disappear. I didn’t know exactly what was wrong with me, but I knew something was not right. The days grew longer and more dreadful and I wanted every day to be over before it even started. Tennis, which was one of the most important things in my life, was becoming more of an obligation. The good days were far and in between, the bad days became so difficult to let go.
About 4 years ago I was sitting in my room all alone and I came across a story about this beautiful, star athlete, Madison Holleran. I watched a video of her story on ESPN and I just remember thinking, “Wow, this girl reminds me so much of me.” I began journaling around that time as well and my first journal entry that I ever wrote was about your sister and how much her story related to my life. I still have that journal today. Journaling helped me suppress all of my dark thoughts for many years. My family knew something was different about me, but they had no idea how bad it was. I would try to fake it around people and cover the pain that I was in. I felt like a stranger in my own life and I didn’t know how to get back to my old self. I tried so hard to be happier and be better, but I eventually got too tired. Too tired of faking it and too tired to carry on in my life. I ended up writing suicide notes to my mom, my sister, my father, and my best friend. I just felt like I couldn’t tell anyone how I was really feeling because a lot of people wouldn’t understand how someone in my shoes could be so unhappy. I didn’t want to burden people with my issues. My family used to always say to me how I was never happy anymore and they didn’t know where the old Victoria went. They would tell me how lucky I was to have been gifted with being so beautiful on the inside and out and to be such an amazing athlete. Everyone always said, “The world is your oyster.” It was hard for me to express to people what I was feeling because I knew that it would be too difficult for them to understand. I began to feel as if I was out of options and I just couldn’t keep living like this anymore because it was not me. When I wrote my notes all I said was how sorry I was and that I didn’t want my parents to blame themselves. I wanted them to remember the happy Victoria who ran around in her rain boots as a little girl and loved to play tennis. I just kept apologizing and saying I loved them no matter what. My parents ended up finding my letters before I could harm myself and I still to this day have no idea how because I thought I hid them pretty well. I began counseling shortly after and it helped me so much because I felt like I wasn’t alone. I am now 19 years old and starting my junior year at the University of Florida in August. I still have to battle with my depression and anxiety every single day of my life, but I have learned that I am not alone in this battle and have built the strength to overcome the hardest days.
About a week ago I was in Barnes & Noble looking for couple of books to read because I was bored and I came across this book, “What Made Maddy Run.” Right away I said to myself, “Oh my gosh! I know that girl! That is Madison Holleran, that amazing athlete who ran track at Penn.” As soon as I saw that book I knew I had to read it. I am the type of person who believes that everything happens for a reason. I believe that I was supposed to find this book 4 years later. I know this sounds crazy because I didn’t know your sister personally, but I have never felt more connected to someone in my life. All of her struggles and all of her pain, I really felt. I can’t imagine how hard it has been for all of you.
I just wanted to reach out and share my story with you, but also thank you and your family. It is amazing and beyond courageous for you and your family to have shared Madison’s story and really show the world the struggles that a lot of young athletes go through. I also think it is amazing what you are doing with the Madison Holleran Foundation. I researched the foundation and think it is remarkable all the work you and your family are doing. Sharing your sister’s story has brought me the courage to share my story and will encourage others to share their stories as well. I am sorry for this super long message, but I felt that I needed to reach out to you. You and your family’s story has given me the strength to really get involved in suicide awareness. My deepest condolences for the loss of Madison, I know she is still with all of you and looking down seeing all of the great things you are doing in honor of her.
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Thank you Victoria for sharing! If you’d like to share a story, contact MHF any way you’d like.
